Some of these are Funny, some are Serious, but All of them are True!

My Favorite New Quotes

Appreciate me now and avoid the rush! :-)

Don't talk about yourself, it'll be done when you leave.

"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of
motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the 'Four F's': 1. fighting; 2.
fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating."

Improve your seen with me!

     Caution is not cowardly. Carelessness is not courage

     Money talks, mine say "Good Bye"

     Kindness, a language deaf people can hear and blind see

     The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention

"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted." -Steven Wright

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." -Bob Hope

What is 6.9? A: A good thing interrupted by a PERIOD

Q. What's the similarity between a lavatory and a cemetery ?
     A. When you got to go, you got to go.

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one - Helen Roland

Flirtation is attention without intention  - Max O'Neil

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language..
 Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

When someone asks you "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two
cents in, what happens to the other penny?

"Knowing others is Intelligence...Knowing yourself is True Wisdom...Mastering others is Strength..Mastering yourself is True Power" - Lao Tzu

One definition of love is "What another person feels toward you when you reflect for them a view of what they'd like to think they are."

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. -  Chinese proverb

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Young at Heart.  Slightly Older in Other Places

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.

"Ability is of little account without opportunity"  ~ Napoleon Bonaparte ~

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.  - Gloria Steinem

A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, let’s you forget it.

Insured by the Mafia. You hit me - WE hit you.

I gave up drinking, smoking and sex. Worst 15 minutes of my life

Why be difficult - Be impossible

Avenge Yourself - Be a problem to your children

"Humor is chaos, remembered in tranquility." - James Thurber

"It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office." - Shirley MacLaine

"Ulcers can't grow while you're laughing." - Anonymous

"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh." Agnes
"I'm catching up with yesterday. By tomorrow I should be ready for today."
Since things get better with age, I am approaching magnificent

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. - Ashleigh Brilliant

It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. - Ashleigh Brilliant

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.  - Oscar Wilde

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman can make a fool of him in twenty minutes.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

My type doesn't stay around long enough to stay my type.
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless

If life is a stage, I want some better lighting

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows

Thirty five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. -- H.L. Mencken

Give me a reason to stay and I will give u a reason why you won't leave.

If I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

"to do is to be" - Descartes; "to be is to do"- Voltaire;
"doo be doo be doo" - Sinatra

"We ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us"

I haven't found the right guy yet, but I'm having a blast with all the wrong ones

I want a man who loves me for my mind not my body, but plays with my body
not my mind.

If you want to control someone sleep with your remote!

Save your breath for your inflatable date.

So many men, so few who - can afford me.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

The husbands of very beautiful women belong to the criminal classes. - Oscar Wilde

Imagination is a quality given a man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. - Oscar Wilde

Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women's husbands. - Oscar Wilde

When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs. - Oscar Wilde

The Ideal Man should talk to us as if we were goddesses, and treat us as if we were children. He should refuse all our serious requests, and gratify every one of our whims. He should encourage us to have caprices, and forbid us to have missions. He should always say much more than he means, and always mean much more than he says. - Oscar Wilde

Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance. - Oscar Wilde

The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. - Oscar Wilde

To have the reputation of possessing the most perfect social tact, talk to every woman as if you loved her, and to every man as if he bored you. - Oscar Wilde

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything. - Oscar Wilde

Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attraction of others. Oscar Wilde

The strength of women comes from the fact that psychology cannot explain us. Men can be analyzed, women merely adored. Oscar Wilde

Even though we can't have all we want, we ought to be thankful we don't get what we deserve.
You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

"The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns."

"England and America are two countries divided by a common language." - George Bernard Shaw

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
You should have SEX on days that begin with T:
Every Thucking day!

"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea." - John Ciardi

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is always, "Do I look stupid?"

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it!!! There are plenty more where YOU came from."

Love: Two Vowels, Two Consonants and Two Fools

If you are Rich, I am Single!

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter

If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons

Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship

If you're happy and you know it see a shrink

Dole for Pineapple, Not for President

I'm pro choice, I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat and wear fur.

I want to make love in the worst way - standing up in a canoe

If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

The same people who said the Earth was flat wrote the Bible.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

I plead contemporary insanity.

"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning."
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

"I know the difference between sadist and masochist... but you're going to have to beat it out of me." - Scott Leiter

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher
a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right
beside them knowing you can't have them.

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know
who is falling in love with your smile.

If a woman knows her price, she must have mentioned it a few times already

"Where words fail, music speaks." -Hans Christian Andersen

"You know it's love when you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams." -Anonymous

"Life: Sitting. Staring. Thinking. Pondering. Hoping. Dreaming. Wishing. Trying. Realizing. Crashing. Running. Crying. Concealing. Faking. Smiling. Repeating. " -Anonymous

Emotion is energy in motion emanated by us all. Life is a magical mystery tour. Purpose is unraveling infinite eternal beauty to reach higher and higher, and change the very consciousness we create together. " -Anonymous

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." -Longfellow

"Admiration is a very short-lived passion, that immediately decays upon growing familiar with its object." -Addison

"Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause." - Victor Hugo

"Love is born of faith, lives on hope, and dies of charity." - Anonymous

"Friend - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing." -Anonymous

"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses." -H.L.Mencken

"A conservative is a person who lives in a past that never existed." -Anonymous

"Easy: a term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man." -The Dictionary of Dating

"The problem with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it." -Franklin P. Jones

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -Lily Tomlin

"By the time you swear you're his;
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying...
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying."
-Dorothy Parker

"When you look in the mirror, what do you see? The person you once were, or the person you will soon become?" -Anonymous

"The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy." -Jim Rohn

"Love: two minds without a single thought." -Philip Barry

"Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it." -Anonymous

     Some folks won't look up until they are flat on their backs

Want More? Ok...

"Everyone sees who you Seem to be, few understand who you Really are." -- Machiavelli...
"Don't Cry because it's over, but Smile because it happened."  -- Anonymous
"I tend to forget all those that I don't care to remember and try to remember,
all those I should not forget."  -- By Me ;-)
"Live like you will die tomorrow and dream like you will live forever." -- Anonymous
"A Sense of Humor can help you Overlook the Unattractive, Tolerate the Unpleasant, Cope with the Unexpected, and Smile through the Unbearable."  -- Anonymous
"Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away." -- Anonymous
"Too Many People Confine Their Exercise To Jumping To Conclusions, Running Up  Bills, Stretching The Truth, Sidestepping Responsibility And Pushing Their Luck." -- Anonymous
"If You Have One Foot In Yesterday And One Foot In Tomorrow, You're Pissing On Today ."  -- Anonymous
"A Clear Conscience is Usually The Sign Of a Bad Memory."  -- Anonymous
"Money Can't Buy Love. But It CAN Rent a Very Close Imitation."  -- Anonymous
"Only Robinson Crusoe could get all his work done by Friday."  -- Anonymous
"Motherhood is full of frustrations and challenges...but eventually they move out." -- Anonymous
 "Sometimes I think I understand everything...Then I regain consciousness."  -- Anonymous
"What light? I'm still looking for the tunnel!"  -- Anonymous
"Tact is ability to see others as they wish to be seen."  -- Anonymous
"Sometimes the best way to figure out who you are is to get to that place where you don't have to be anything else."  -- Anonymous
"If I knew where I am going and what I am doing I would be Bored!"  -- Anonymous
"Why get married and make 1 man miserable when I can stay single and make ALL of them Happy!" -- Anonymous
"Youth is mistake, Adulthood is struggle, old age is regret. Yet i'd rather enjoy my youthful mistakes, endure my adult struggle, and in retrospect regret my whole life, than not to have lived at all!" -- Anonymous
"My mother warned me that guys like you would try all sorts of things... well what are you waiting for?" -- Anonymous
"Happiness is state you must dare not enter with a hope of staying..."  -- Anonymous
"A conscience does not prevent your sins. It only prevents you from enjoying them." -- Anonymous
"Date with your eyes wide open and your heart half closed.  Marry with your heart wide open and your eyes half closed..."  -- Anonymous

"Kiss Slowly - Forgive Quickly - Love Deeply."  -- Anonymous
"I know karate, kung fu, and 47 other dangerous words."  -- Anonymous
"I never spit in your drink-- why do you smoke in my air?"  -- Anonymous
"Caution:  Hungry Dieter   May bite if provoked!"  -- Anonymous
"I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the Force."  -- Anonymous
"My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring."  -- Anonymous
"My mind is made up, don't confuse me with facts."  -- Anonymous
"Never tell me the odds -- numbers confuse me." -- Anonymous
"One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria." -- Anonymous
"There isn't time enough for love, so what does that leave for hate?"  -- Anonymous
"Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again."  -- Anonymous
"Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory."  -- Anonymous
"Pessimist: An optimist with experience."  -- Anonymous
"I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?"  -- Anonymous
"To all you virgins... thanks for nothing."  -- Anonymous
"Help wanted -- telepathy:  you know where to apply."  -- Anonymous
"Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling so marvelous myself."  -- Anonymous
"I don't get even, I get odder."  -- Anonymous
"I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays."  -- Anonymous
"Under the most carefully controlled conditions of temperature, density,  and pressure,
the organism will do what it damn well pleases."  -- Anonymous
"When all of your wishes are granted... many of your dreams will be destroyed" -- -- Anonymous
"Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them." -- Anonymous
"Eat dessert first!! ....after all, life is uncertain!"  -- Anonymous
"The seven ages of man are: spills, drills, thrills, bills, pills & wills."   -- Richard Needham
A great many people think they are thinking when they merely rearranging their prejudices." -- Anonymous




"Humor does not diminish pain, it makes the space around it get bigger." - Allen Klein
  " Success is dangerous. One begins to copy oneself, and to copy oneself is more 
 dangerous than to copy others. It leads to sterility."   -- Pablo Picasso
 "The last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set 
 of circumstances, to choose one's own way."  -- Viktor Frankl
 "Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist but you have 
  ceased to live."  -- Mark Twain
  "Support the strong, give courage to the timid, remind the indifferent, and warn the 
 opposed."  -- Whitney M. Young
  "Good luck is a lazy man's estimate of a worker's success."  -- Anonymous
 "Fear is the tax that conscience pays to guilt."  -- George Sewell
  "A designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there is nothing left to add, but 
 when there is nothing left to take away." -- Antoine de Saint-Exup'ery
 "A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only to 
 be right but also to be wrong."  -- Thomas Szasz
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the 
same direction."  -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not baked in the same oven.  -- Yiddish proverb
"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it 
permanent."  -- Marilyn vos Savant
L.O.V.E. - List Of  Various Emotions.
"It is easier to get forgiveness than permission."
"If you're going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance."
 "Practice - is when something works, but you don't know why.  Theory - is when you know something but it doesn't work. Here we combine practice with theory - nothing works and we don't know why."
 "Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative"
 "Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings"
 "An optimist says "Good morning, God", a pessimist says "Good God, 
"The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; and 
the pessimist fears this is true." 
"I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money."
  "My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot."
 "Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty."
 "Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art."
 "Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it."
 "Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!"
 "Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire."
"Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain."
 "A conservative is a person who lives in a past that never existed."
"Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating."
"Chastity is curable, if detected early."
"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks."
"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
"I don't have an attitude problem.  You have a perception problem."
"Everyone has a right to be stupid.  Some just abuse the privilege."
"Baroque (adj.):  When you are out of Monet."
"All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen."
"When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?"
"I have a problem with authority.  I AM the authority!"
"Motherhood:  the longest guilt trip you'll ever take."
"Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place."  - Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of
other women.  They say that women are too judgmental, where, of
 course, men are just grateful."   -  Jay Leno
 "Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste."
"Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment."
"Happiness is not having what you want. It's wanting what you have."
  "Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being 
happy."  - Robert Anthony 
"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to 
love, and something to hope for."  - Allan K. Chalmers 
"Yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow only a vision, but today well 
lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a 
vision of hope..."  - Kalidasa 
"I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting
to satisfy them." John Stuart Mill
"Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have." 
- Doris Mortman 
"The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up."  - J.M. Power
"Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!" (Amanda Bradley)
"Aerodynamically a bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know 
that so it goes on flying anyway."  - Mary Kay Ash
"A good woman inspires a man; a brilliant woman interests him; a beautiful woman fascinates him; a sympathetic woman gets him." - Helen Roland
"A cynic is man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."
"A compromise is the art of dividing the cake in such a way that each one thinks he
is getting the biggest piece."
"Due to budget cuts The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off"
"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic." - Jane Wagner
"The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature
cures the disease." - Voltaire
"Good manners sometimes means simply putting up with other people's bad manners." - Unknown
"Laughter interrupts the panic cycle of an illness." - Norman Cousins
"Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and before
you realize what's wrong with it." 
"Parking meters should remind us that we lose money standing still." – Bert Kruse
"It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best,
you very often get it."
"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm." 
"To win without risk is to triumph without glory."  - Pierre Corneille 

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